I’m Not Your Daddy

Hey Folks!  I have decided to enter this weeks challenge by Trifextra: Week Ten Writing Challenge.

This weeks challenge rules were: “Write a horror story in 33 words, without the words blood, scream, died, death, knife, gun, or kill. Good luck.”

Here is my entry.

 I’m Not Your Daddy

The eyes and mouth firmly stitched shut.  Arms and legs pierced with blunt metal objects.

“Where’s my mommy!” the little girl mumbled.

An eerie glance over his shoulder, “Don’t worry sweetie, she’s next!”

Mike

Let me know what you think. Am I the next Wes Craven?

Getting The Axe

That was the summation of my day.  Well, at least that is what happened to me when I was cutting the grass today.  And no, it didn’t come shooting out from the lawnmower at me.  Let me back up a bit.

So you all know I had leg surgery a few weeks ago which has hindered my mobility some.  Which means I can’t do all the “Manly” chores around the house like  jackhammer stuff, rip the lug nuts off a car with my bare hands, building animal snares out of band aids and used q-tips, chopping ish down, rodeo ride sharks, honing my blacksmithing skills, cutting the grass, and picking up dog poop.

My wife decided to pick up the slack around the house and do the latter this week.  I thought that was nice of her.  But I didn’t know what she did with it.  I usually just put it in a plastic bag and throw it in the big garbage can in the garage.  How do I know she didn’t?  Yesterday I was back to cutting ish down.  Well, pruning the shrubs and cutting back some dead ornamental grass that is a fire hazard.  I put all that in the big garbage can which was empty prior to my mess.

I did a pretty good job, don’t you think?

So back to the dog poop…

When I cut the grass I have a system.  I like to edge first so when I cut the grass I mow over the long blades from the edging.  It just looks cleaner to me.  There is no messy dead decaying grass on my freshly cut lawn.  This time I decided to cut the front yard and not edge first.  I wanted to wait until I do the back fenced in yard to edge since it was going to take some time to do (it’s as big as a freakin football field back there).  It takes about an hour to cut on a good day.  It was getting kinda tall.

So the front is cut and pretty….I take a quick break to get some water since it’s 70ish out but felt like an inferno with the humidity.  I get out my industrial edger and get whacking!  All you pervs out there I mean weed whacking…

The front is complete and the outside of the football field is complete.  Now to do the inside of the fence and around the house.  No problem……until I hit the home stretch.  10 feet left to trim and I’m done!!  Yes!  I pick up the pace just a bit cause my back is killing me from holding this 40lb trimmer.

5 feet left and I’m almost to the fence gate.  Press the trigger for some more gas to get through the last few feet faster.

Thwap! Thunk! SSSrrrrmm! THWap THwap Thwap thwap wap ap p…… and DOG POOP goes flying everywhere!

I found the bag of dog poop my wife didn’t throw away!  Thanks hun….

I never knew poop could fly like that.  It stunk a lot worse than it normally does too.  Most of it stuck to my legs and shoes.  I think some bounced off my sunglasses and hat.

Now I think most people would have stopped what they were doing and cleaned up.  Not me, I was on a mission.  I was already overheating, sweaty, PO’ed, and now ished on!  F it!  I wasn’t about to go change to have to change again once I was done.  The worst part was I had my surgical stocking on my leg and there were chunks of crap smeared on it.  I have to wear that thing for another week.  Don’t worry, I can wash it.  I’m not that disgusting.

I didn’t even say anything to my wife when she got home.  I know that somehow it will be my fault anyway.  I was walking backward so the weed whacker would work better.  I never saw it coming.  I guess she had it sitting right at the edge of the gate and the whacker sucked it in from the other side of the fence.  Argh!  And I had to unwind the destroyed bag from the spinner too.

So after another hour of cutting the backyard I needed to disinfect myself.

I go inside the house and my dogs look at me like, “What’s that smell?  It’s a little familiar.”  I immediately start stripping and head upstairs for a nice cold shower.  Calgon take me away!

Well it was more like Axe do your stuff.  I am not one of those fruity guys that use all sorts of gunk on their body nor do I go around trying to smell like mint bubble gum, cucumbers or flowers.  I needed to buy some soap a while back and for some reason I decided to try out some Axe.

Have you ever seen those commercials for their stuff?  It’s pretty extreme.  It must be good if they are spending that much money on producing commercials like that, right?  Kind of reminds me of the GoDaddy commercials with Danica (I don’t like being labeled sexy even though I do sexy swimsuit photo shoots) Patrick and Jillian (I could rip your body in half with my buns of steel) Michaels.  All of which is stupid and have nothing to do with the products the commercials are trying to sell.

Oh wow!  That shower was awesome.  Remember how I said I don’t like to smell like potpourri or fruit, well, this is the closest I will ever get (Thai Massage).  This stuff is great!  I don’t know if it actually cleans or disinfects but at least it got the poop off of me.

It felt like a little Taiwanese woman was walking all over my body with her tiny feet stepping on all the right pressure points.  Well done Axe marketers!  Now if you can follow through with all those women that are supposed to show up after someone uses your products, like your commercials and advertising show, you’ve hit a home run!

Well, it’s time for bed.  I’m pooped!

My Poor Body

So today is the day after my birthday and I figured why not start another 90 day go around of P90X to fight the effects of aging.  Well, that was the idea anyway.  After a few hundred pushups, a hundred pullups and however may situps I did with the Ab Ripper X my body began to hate me.  The first thing to really get me was my neck….

Yeah, that is me in this x-ray.  My poor ole neck is a little out of whack.  I actually have two herniated discs that, well, never healed.  This is a fairly old injury.  It bothers me from time to time.  When it gets really bad my left arm goes a little numb and I get sharp shooting pains from my neck to my fingers and down my back.  I have a decrease in strength in my left side which makes working out interesting.  About 9 months ago I had an epidural steroid injection in my neck.  It worked for almost 2 months.  What is a guy supposed to do?  Some Motrin and a heating pad is basically all I can do while avoiding surgery.

Then all of a sudden my lower back started to hurt.  I don’t get it but I blame the situps for that pain.  It has to be, right?  And out of nowhere my left foot started to hurt and I didn’t even run today.

I have stress fractures in both of my feet.  The same bone (5th metatarsal), in the same place, happened a year apart from each other to the day.  I always found that weird.  I never thought such a little bone could cause so much pain.  They still hurt when I run.  But the good thing is, I can tell when it is going to rain….. 🙂

In high school I had an umbilical hernia.  That sucker hurt!  I ignored it for a while.  I still remember how it happened.  I was doing squats and just couldn’t come up.  Stupid me kept lifting then went for a run.  After the run, I had blood on my shirt where my belly button is.  I looked but didn’t see where it was coming from.  It wasn’t flowing so it must not be that bad.  A few days passed and I start to smell this foul odor.  It was embarrassing because I was at that age where I was very aware of the girls around.  I had no idea if they could smell what I smelled too.  It almost smelled like I pooped my pants (not that I have done that).  But I knew if the aftermath in the bathroom could peel wallpaper, this is probably not a good thing to have linger around while trying to attract a girl.  I think what made me speak up was after I couldn’t bend over anymore and the smell got worse.  If you don’t know what an umbilical hernia is, it is a tear in the stomach muscles.  If it’s bad enough it will allow your intestines to pop out .  Luckily they didn’t come bursting out like Sigourney Weaver’s worst nightmare.  That whole episode almost made me miss my senior year playing lacrosse.

Oh lacrosse, my weakness and sport of choice.  I had more injuries from that than anything else I have ever done.  I had to have leg surgery because of it.  I played defense and was a very active person on the field in terms of defending my goal.  I would jump in front of shots and get hit in various places that didn’t have pads.  I was repeatedly hit in my right shin by shots game after game.  I was hit so many times it damaged a major vein in my leg.  It looked like the Incredible Hulk trying to escape from my shin.  Not that you want to know but I had to have 6 ft. of vein stripped from my right leg because of it.

Well, 5-6 moths ago I had another surgery on the same leg to fix another bad vein.  Thankfully technology has advanced and I was only down and out for a few days.  I just had another surgery 3 weeks ago, this time on my left leg.  It turns out I just have bad valves in the major veins in my legs that don’t shut off the blood from flowing.  The pain during my recovery from these surgeries kinda sucks.  The actual vein was closed off from my shin to my groin.  And as the vein accepts this being done, it feels like a bad groin pull with each step.  Which makes running so much fun!

Well there are a few things no one ever wanted to know about me.  But I shared them away.

If you are having a bad day at the gym just think of my issues and finish strong while being thankful that you are not me.

Now go workout!

Debate Of The Week #5

It must be Friday because it’s time to drop your socks and grab your tux again for Big Mike’s Debate of the Week!

Two weeks ago I asked you who has the best french fries?  McDonald’s – Burger King – Wendy’s – Chick-fil-A – or self nominate a restaurant.  There seemed to be a mix of likes on this topic.  I think it would just be safe to say that french fries are good and as long as you can find a hot one you should enjoy it with whatever else you like.

I really enjoy doing these Debates of the Week.  I hope you are too.  Here is a topic close to my heart.  As I told you in my one post “Something To Think About” I love scary movies, specifically zombie ones.  This topic might not be for everyone but I think it would be interesting to hear from those that are not into these types of things.  You never know, you might have to make a choice such as this at some point in your life.  December 21, 2012 comes to mind……

So let’s get down and dirty.  I want to know if you had a choice of the following which one would it be and why?

1) A Blood Lusting Zombie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) A normal Run of The Mill Vampire (and not a sparkly one from the Twilight series)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3) A Bad Ass Throat Ripping Werewolf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4) The Last Human on Earth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For me the first 3 are tough to choose from.  They all have their pros and cons.  But out of them all I’m leaning toward the Bad Ass Werewolf.  Here are my reasons:

ZOMBIE

The Zombie has it’s weaknesses.  It would eventually decay even though it is already dead.  I don’t see any life force that keeps it alive except the constant consumption of humans and animals.  And there are only so many humans to go around.  Unless you watch the AMC show The Walking Dead.  The only thing that works is the tried and true method of shooting them in the head.  Other than that, those damn things don’t seem to have a weakness.  Oh of course you could drop them in a well or lock them in a barn.  I guess that would make them stupid creatures.  Plus with my luck I would be a slow mover zombie.  That makes it a bad choice for me.

VAMPIRE

The Vampire, again has it’s weaknesses.  What if all the humans are gone then they are left with cannibalism or whatever it is called for them.  Then you have vampires going after vampires. Or even worse you’re left with sucking on a cow or pig. That is just not a good thing, all that cholesterol.  Your main weakness will be the only other thing that can really kill you, a werewolf.  Plus all that biting and flying around, just not for me.  I like to be on the ground (I’m afraid of heights).  Vampires are another bad choice for me.

LAST HUMAN

Then there is the Last Human.  Ugh, need I say more?  I guess it would be OK for a week but then what?  I would get bored because of no Facebook updates or Twitter comments to read.  And have you ever tried playing Words With Friends by yourself?  You can’t!  It’s in the name.  You’re left with setting up and talking to manikins like Will Smith in I am Legend.  I guess if you’re a guy the best thing would be that you don’t have to put the toilet seat down anymore.  The human has way too many cons.  If your not a doctor or nurse you’re screwed.  Might as well wrap yourself in bubble wrap and sit in a corner so nothing happens to you.  But then you might pop all the bubble wrap out of boredom.   Now you’re really screwed.  Have fun with that life.  Next!

WEREWOLF

So that leaves me with the Werewolf.  I would be the tricky bastard that changes from human form to a hairy beast (not much of a change except for the head hair).  That means I’ll have hair again (Hells yeah!).  I would also have some kick ass nails that would be great for back scratches.  I guess I really don’t need to go much further than that.  Plus who or what is gonna mess with a werewolf, Van Helsing?  Bring it buddy!

Now it’s your turn.  Which one will it be for you and why………

Do you remember the rules for the Debate of the Week?  If not check them out Here.

Enjoy your weekend!  I know I will…..It’s my birthday on Sunday!

Big Mike Does Wen Hair?

 

No he doesn’t!  You have seen pictures of me.  I have no hair.  But hey, did you know that Alyssa Milano does Wen Hair?  I did.  The only reason I know that is because that infomercial is always on.  I don’t even really know what the product is.  But I guess the fact that Alyssa Milano uses it, or at least she says she uses it, that I should be too.  Why not?  It’s only $29.99 for a 6 oz. bottle of whatever it is.  I don’t see what could go wrong with using such an over priced product, do you?

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, that could happen!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I bet it feels really good in your hair, right?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I could be wrong.

 

So what’s my point?  Well, it’s just another bad marketing scheme.  I was recently asked by a fellow blogger, after reading my post Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 2), if I was going to be the new spokes person for Slim Jim.  I think that would be a great marketing scheme and you will know why once you read that post.  I can see the commercial now…it is worthy of Toby or a Telly award.

And now for the worst non-connected transition you’ll ever see ……..

I got another award!  Woo woo!  Yeah that’s right, I’m hot ish baby!  I received an endorsement from a fellow friend/blogger, Sharon @ A Bump To The Head .  She gave me the Genuine Blogger Award! (This is going right up on my wall of shinny before the fat kid in me gets his hands on it.  It looks like a chocolate bar…I can’t take the chance, he could eat it.)

Sharon is a pretty awesome laaydee.  She’s a Brit that lives in New Zealand.  How cool is that?  I really think you all should be reading her blog.  She says some crazy things like: wallop, bonzer, g’day, dinky di, and mate.  I’m sure she talked about wallabies at some point and I bet she carries a huge knife too!  Or was that Mick Dundee?  I could be making all this up too.  You won’t know unless you check her blog out.  Either way she is a cool blogger and I know you all will be reading her stuff soon.  I won’t do any spoilers on Sharon but she is a very inspirational laaydee.  What are you waiting for?  Go now!  Check her out!

So what is the Genuine Blogger Award?  I don’t know and I don’t think anyone else does either.  There are no rules attached to receiving and giving it.  That’s what makes it genuine.  It is a chance for someone to reach out to another blogger and say, “Hey, you done goodly.  I’m like’in that ish your postin.”  Hopefully you all feel that way about my writing.

I try to bring a little levity to the heaviness of everyday life.  I’m sure my humor is not for everyone but I bet I can make you laugh at some point.  If it hasn’t happened yet, I can feel it coming soon.  Just have a Kleenex ready in case milk comes shooting out your nose.  I have also been known to make women pee a little when they read my stuff.  I’m not too sure how to take that one though.

What do you have to look forward to if you stick around?

Well, there is still that naked picture of me at 3 yrs old laying  with my ass in the air on a large stuffed dog posing for the camera eating a piece of cheese that you haven’t seen yet.  And then there is the one of me around the same age sitting “in” the toilet eating a piece of pizza.  Yeah, there is a pattern here.  All my embarrassing pictures involves food and me being naked.  But at least I’m consistent.  And I’m pretty sure my one uncle has a picture (of the aftermath) of the time I pooped in the bath tub, with him in it……I don’t think anyone wants to see that pic though.

Now if that doesn’t bring you back, I guess I’ll just toss it out and add this current marketing campaign to the following list of bad marketing research/slogans/and campaigns.

The Horror of bad Marketing

The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”  Mmmmm, Milk!

Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.” (had to use spell check) I bet if you drink too much that could happen.

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”  Mmmmm, I love the smell of manure in the morning!

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read, take a guess at what they thought was in the jar…..

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.  Hey, it’s really just white toothpaste, I promise!

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).  Which could have worked in Idaho….

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”  Which again is like biting a wax tadpole……

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!”  As long as it’s your first time… 🙂

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!  I’m in!

The famous fried Chicken hub KFC’s slogan “finger-lickin good” when marketed was translated into China as“eat your fingers off.”  And how do we not know that it’s not really Soylent Green?  Then it would be true.

When Ford tried selling it’s car “Pinto” in Brazil it was a huge failure. The reason – the word “Pinto” is a slang for small penis in Brazil.  That’s no bueno!!

When Hunt – Wesson introduced their Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos, they forgot to note one thing, Gros Jos is the slang for “big breasts.”  I took 4 years of French in high school and never knew that, what a jip!

Until next time…….do your research, please!  And while you’re at it go visit Sharon @ A Bump To The Head.

Me Neither!

I’m kinda laid up and can’t exercise until later this week.  And I have been really cranky because of it.  So I allowed my brain to exercise and all  these “I wonder….hmmm” type questions came to mind (luckily there were pictures for them all).  I just want to see if any of you have taken the same journey.  I hope they make you smile if you’re having a cranky day too….

 

Have you ever walked into a spider web after the person in front of you just went all ninja like through it?

Me neither!

 

 

Have you ever walked into a room of your house and see something like this and just ignored it in hopes that the next person that comes in does something about it?

Me neither!

 

 

 

Have you ever texted someone just after talking to them on the phone but never receive a response back but the one time you do it back to them you get a call *itching you out that you didn’t respond back?

Me neither!

 

 

Have you ever been in a conversation either in person or on the phone and you just wanted to say what this guy just said?

Me neither!

 

Have you ever got all excited to try some of the home crafts you watch on TV then successfully attempt and complete them like this?

Me neither!

 

 

 

Have you ever wondered if your fantasies are just simple realities that you refuse to see?

Me neither!

 

 

 

 

 

Have you opened a box and some bubble wrap was in there and before you know it you just have a wilted piece of plastic with no bubbles?

Me neither!

 

 

Have you ever just had one of those days on Facebook?

Me neither!

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever thought of having to do this, if you had to?

Me neither!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever slept with a weapon to the left of your bed in case this is possible?

Me Neither!

 

 

 

 

 

Until next time…….

 

Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 2)

So at the end of Part 1 I left you just after I got my IV.  And I had received some great comments about that experience.  I told The Life of Jamie a joke that I told the IV lady, which may have caused her first missed stick.  And little did I know how relevant that joke was going to be for the next hour or so of my life.

Here’s The Joke:

A guy walks in to a psychiatrist’s office covered only in Saran Wrap.

He says to the doctor, “I’ve felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

The doctor replied, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts!”

Insert Your Laugh Here….

It was now time to head back to the procedure room and get NAKED!  Hell yeah!  Nothing can go wrong when your naked…..(Isn’t that right, Chrystalyn from The Future of Hope?)  This is where I realized two different phenomena at the same time.

1) The more of your naked body that has to be on the table, the colder the table is.

2) When you are naked in front of other people (meaning not just yourself and significant other) there are different levels of embarrassment.  This I think should be investigated further, and I did……

Since this was the second time doing this procedure with this same doctor and crew, I figured it was a good time for a human behavior experiment.  Not that I had a choice.  I was stuck on a table with people around me (all women).  I just figured I might as well watch people instead of trying to avoid looking at what was being done to my leg.

So here I am behind a curtain getting undressed and listening to the one lady give me instructions to get naked and hop on the table.  I was like, OK.  Then she said there should be a paper cover on the table to cover myself with.  I saw this Kleenex type thing on the table, was that it?  That’s not gonna hide anything.  Then I looked further down the table and there was this rough, scratchy paper thing folded up.  If that’s not it, too bad cause that’s what I’m using.  Besides being like a cheap piece of toilet paper from a public bathroom, it was also fairly see through too.  I guess it was a good thing I shaved my legs.  How embarrassing would that have been, right?

Well, I’m laying there with the translucent saran wrap cover and all these women are coming in staring at me.  I was like OK, why are we all in here and why are you looking at me like that?  It turns out I didn’t realize how see through this paper shroud was.  I didn’t really care because my mind was on not puking since I was still woozy and sweaty from the IV incident.  So what if they can see my Tentacle of Love!  Enter Experiment….

So I was watching how each person looked at me and then I measured my embarrassment.  I used a 1-10 scale to measure my embarrassment if you are wondering.  The first lady that came in was the one yelling at me through the curtain.  She had to of been 60 something.  When she came in and looked she had this expression of hmm seen it, been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.  It didn’t seem like a big deal to her so I rated my embarrassment at a level 3 for her.

The next girl to come in was the prep nurse.  She was the youngest of them all, Mid 20-30 ish.  I think this was the most embarrassing because she was the one that got to scrub my leg with some disinfectant soapy stuff .  This required her to lift my leg up and down and do around the groin.  I had to switch my mind to things like cold water, Betty White, and blood (ugh) to keep from further embarrassment.  She was professional and all that but I know there was a bit of embarrassment on her end too which made my embarrassment more.  I rate her at a 9 not a 10 only because she was a professional.

Then there were two other girls to come in.  They were both 40-50 ish.  At this point I was like, OK so who is texting the other offices to take a field trip and come by?  It turns out the one was an equipment operator and the other must have been an assistant of some type but she kinda just stood around.  Their stares were a bit longer than the older lady.  I couldn’t help myself but look down at my cover to see if it was even still on.  But not that it mattered, stupid cheap medical paper.  I gave them a rating of 7 1/2 because there were two of them at once.

As you can see there were different reactions by the different aged women but there were also different internal thoughts of mine too.  I was definitely more embarrassed with the younger girl.  Then the old lady was kind of disappointing.  Almost like an ego buster.  She didn’t really care.  I was like but I’m right here….see!  The last couple of ladies were more interested but still didn’t make me fell like Fabio.

I guess my take away from this experiment is that women don’t look at me like filet mignon but more like beef jerky.

To be continued………