Getting The Axe

That was the summation of my day.  Well, at least that is what happened to me when I was cutting the grass today.  And no, it didn’t come shooting out from the lawnmower at me.  Let me back up a bit.

So you all know I had leg surgery a few weeks ago which has hindered my mobility some.  Which means I can’t do all the “Manly” chores around the house like  jackhammer stuff, rip the lug nuts off a car with my bare hands, building animal snares out of band aids and used q-tips, chopping ish down, rodeo ride sharks, honing my blacksmithing skills, cutting the grass, and picking up dog poop.

My wife decided to pick up the slack around the house and do the latter this week.  I thought that was nice of her.  But I didn’t know what she did with it.  I usually just put it in a plastic bag and throw it in the big garbage can in the garage.  How do I know she didn’t?  Yesterday I was back to cutting ish down.  Well, pruning the shrubs and cutting back some dead ornamental grass that is a fire hazard.  I put all that in the big garbage can which was empty prior to my mess.

I did a pretty good job, don’t you think?

So back to the dog poop…

When I cut the grass I have a system.  I like to edge first so when I cut the grass I mow over the long blades from the edging.  It just looks cleaner to me.  There is no messy dead decaying grass on my freshly cut lawn.  This time I decided to cut the front yard and not edge first.  I wanted to wait until I do the back fenced in yard to edge since it was going to take some time to do (it’s as big as a freakin football field back there).  It takes about an hour to cut on a good day.  It was getting kinda tall.

So the front is cut and pretty….I take a quick break to get some water since it’s 70ish out but felt like an inferno with the humidity.  I get out my industrial edger and get whacking!  All you pervs out there I mean weed whacking…

The front is complete and the outside of the football field is complete.  Now to do the inside of the fence and around the house.  No problem……until I hit the home stretch.  10 feet left to trim and I’m done!!  Yes!  I pick up the pace just a bit cause my back is killing me from holding this 40lb trimmer.

5 feet left and I’m almost to the fence gate.  Press the trigger for some more gas to get through the last few feet faster.

Thwap! Thunk! SSSrrrrmm! THWap THwap Thwap thwap wap ap p…… and DOG POOP goes flying everywhere!

I found the bag of dog poop my wife didn’t throw away!  Thanks hun….

I never knew poop could fly like that.  It stunk a lot worse than it normally does too.  Most of it stuck to my legs and shoes.  I think some bounced off my sunglasses and hat.

Now I think most people would have stopped what they were doing and cleaned up.  Not me, I was on a mission.  I was already overheating, sweaty, PO’ed, and now ished on!  F it!  I wasn’t about to go change to have to change again once I was done.  The worst part was I had my surgical stocking on my leg and there were chunks of crap smeared on it.  I have to wear that thing for another week.  Don’t worry, I can wash it.  I’m not that disgusting.

I didn’t even say anything to my wife when she got home.  I know that somehow it will be my fault anyway.  I was walking backward so the weed whacker would work better.  I never saw it coming.  I guess she had it sitting right at the edge of the gate and the whacker sucked it in from the other side of the fence.  Argh!  And I had to unwind the destroyed bag from the spinner too.

So after another hour of cutting the backyard I needed to disinfect myself.

I go inside the house and my dogs look at me like, “What’s that smell?  It’s a little familiar.”  I immediately start stripping and head upstairs for a nice cold shower.  Calgon take me away!

Well it was more like Axe do your stuff.  I am not one of those fruity guys that use all sorts of gunk on their body nor do I go around trying to smell like mint bubble gum, cucumbers or flowers.  I needed to buy some soap a while back and for some reason I decided to try out some Axe.

Have you ever seen those commercials for their stuff?  It’s pretty extreme.  It must be good if they are spending that much money on producing commercials like that, right?  Kind of reminds me of the GoDaddy commercials with Danica (I don’t like being labeled sexy even though I do sexy swimsuit photo shoots) Patrick and Jillian (I could rip your body in half with my buns of steel) Michaels.  All of which is stupid and have nothing to do with the products the commercials are trying to sell.

Oh wow!  That shower was awesome.  Remember how I said I don’t like to smell like potpourri or fruit, well, this is the closest I will ever get (Thai Massage).  This stuff is great!  I don’t know if it actually cleans or disinfects but at least it got the poop off of me.

It felt like a little Taiwanese woman was walking all over my body with her tiny feet stepping on all the right pressure points.  Well done Axe marketers!  Now if you can follow through with all those women that are supposed to show up after someone uses your products, like your commercials and advertising show, you’ve hit a home run!

Well, it’s time for bed.  I’m pooped!


17 thoughts on “Getting The Axe

  1. A little dog poo builds character…Job well done. We’re kinda in the same boat…Knee surgery blah-blah and had to have the neighbor kid do the lawn last week. Basically, I feel great shame.
    You can still knife fight right? That’s all that counts when it comes to making the Wifey happy!
    Great Post Mate!!!

  2. Good to hear you are out and about! What an interesting day mowing…and the flying dog poop! Happy you didn’t waste your energy to get changed and shower just to get dirty again. It sure made for an interesting day, and funny! Good thing you didn’t blame your wife for leaving the bag of poop. Naturally, it would have still been your fault!lol

    • First thing out of my wife’s mouth after she read this was, “How did you not see the bag of poop?” Then there was this period of an hour or so of laughter every time she looked at me.

      So I guess it was still my fault. Either way, everyone got a good laugh from it. That is the important thing. And I got a post out of it!

    • You are more than welcome to share in my joy of mowing this football field my wife calls a backyard. I will even grill some steaks for us to enjoy with a cold beer once you’re done! If you don’t do beef, we have an apple tree in the back, you are welcome to help yourself.

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