The Best Inventions No-One’s Invented Yet

I am dedicating this post to all of you in the world that have been overlooked by society too long!  The Lefties!  You have been scorned long enough.  There are not even any left handed superheros for you to look up to.  This is a disgrace!

Did you know that one of the coolest animals on the endangered species list is left handed?  Yup, the polar bear.  It’s natures way of slowly getting rid of the left handers.  Another sad statistic for you.  10% of all car thieves are left handed.  That means there is a 10% chance that your car was stolen by a polar bear.  You are so under represented.

I just want to point out some of societies blunders that are holding you back from your potential.

The cup

Look at these things!  It’s so blatant that there is no love for the left hander.  The coffee cups only have the handles on the right side.  How hard would it be to put another handle on there?  Seriously?  It would only be a little bit more clay.  And there are 3 of them in this picture.  It’s like getting flipped off 3 times in a row.  And those Solo cups.  Geez!  How about a slap in the face too with the right hand?  They didn’t even bother putting a handle on there.  It’s like the company is saying, “We know the left hander exists but we don’t care.”  How is a left hander supposed to know how to pick this cup up?  Come on!

Societal Habits in general

Imagine the center of your back is itching. Which hand do you scratch it with?

– That’s right, your right hand!

Interlock your fingers. Which thumb is uppermost?

– Again, it’s your right!

Imagine you are applauding. Start clapping your hands. Which hand is uppermost?

– Are you starting to see a pattern?

Wink at an imaginary friend straight in front of you. Which eye does the winking?

– The right!

Put your hands behind your back, one holding the other. Which hand is doing the holding?

– Do I have to say it?

Someone in front of you is shouting but you cannot hear the words. Cup your ear to hear better. Which ear do you cup?

– What’s that sonny?  I can’t hear ya…is that your right hand?

Count to three on your fingers, using the forefinger of the other hand. Which forefinger do you use?

– Ah 1…….2…. right hand.

Tilt your head over on to one shoulder. Which shoulder does it touch?

– I can’t see.  Ya tilting to the right, right?

Fixate on a small distant object with your eyes and point directly at it with your forefinger. Now close one eye. Now change eyes. Which eye was open when the fingertip remained in line with the small object? (When the other eye, the non-dominant one, is open and the dominant eye is closed, the finger will appear to move to one side of the object.)

– That’s just too hard.  You need a degree for that one.  Don’t even try it lefties…..

Writing

We, meaning society, have gone after the core of you since you were young.  Have you seen a crayon lately?  Try reading one from your left hand.  You can’t!  Those bastards at Crayola only write the color name in one direction.  Maybe that is why you never stayed in the lines.  You were always trying to read the color name upside down while coloring.  Sorry for all those years of special classes thinking you were behind in development.  It just turns out you just were being diligent in your color selection.  Oops!

Language

Now this goes way before my time.  So don’t expect any reparations from me on this one.  It just isn’t happening.

Language Word for Left Handed Meaning
Greek Skaios awkward
Italian Mancino crooked, maimed
spanish Zurdo reverse
French Gauche awkward, clumsy
Dutch Linkshandig To have two left hands
German Links, Kinkisch awkward
Norwegian Kjevhendt crooked-handed
Australia Mollie Dooker something to do with having fists like a girl
Latin Sinister on the left-hand side

I can’t make this stuff up.  This is real, folks.  Your own language makes fun of you.

Fighting the good fight

So this is me dedicating this article to the fight against society for you, left handers.  I will head to my drawing board to come up with some solutions to your problems.  I’m not left handed myself but I feel your pain (not really, I’m normal unlike you).  So I pledge my valuable time to fight for the cause.  Power to the Lefties! (said in a Braveheart manner with right fist raised in the air, I mean LEFT fist, left, I meant left, really)

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Stupid Characters

Alright, yes, this is another rant.  I think I need to create a Rant Category.  I am finding out I like to *itch about a lot of stuff and no one really listens to me in person.  But I need to get it out some way.  So you have become my lab rats.  Some of you can be fluffy little bunnies if you want.

Anyway, I have been the unknowing participant in the watching of stupid movie characters the past few consecutive movies I have watched.  Let me elaborate.  So you have all sorts of movies out there; thriller, horror, action, drama, romance, and stupid.  I unfortunately have been watching more of the last category.  Well not necessarily the move being stupid but movies with stupid characters.  What do I mean by stupid you ask?

Stupid is as stupid does, as Forest Gump says.  OK so my main complaint is with movies that have bad guys that chase people.  It doesn’t really matter who is chasing, could be the mass murderer or just some creepy person with a limp.  And they don’t even have to be chasing either.  The unknowing victim could be just sitting on their couch in their apartment eating a hotdog and the bad guy tries to break in.  Oh, it’s 2:30AM, I wonder who that could be?  Peephole, weird eye staring back, cue scream!  EEEEK!

Here is the flaw and where the stupid movie character comes in.  Damsel in distress makes it to door, fiddles with keys, drops keys, fiddles with keys again, drops keys again, magically picks right key, door opens, door slams shut just in time.  Quiet on the set!  Cue stupid bad guys!  Hey this door seems to be locked.  Let’s jiggle the door knob a few more times to make sure.  Ok, locked.  Damn it, we can’t get in.  I’ll be back (said in best Arnold voice).  I know, I know, this doesn’t always happen.  But doors don’t keep bad people out, they keep the good people out or in depending on the case.  These things are like magic force fields that only last long enough until your heart pounds just a little faster.

So today I streamed Limitless from Netflix and if you have not seen it:

SPOILER ALERT!

The movie reaches the foreshadowing scene from the beginning of the movie with the main character just chilling on his balcony ledge of his vaulted apartment with this huge steel door that has 1 foot thick bolts latching it to the wall.  Cue bad guys!  Bad guys begin to bang on said big metal door trying to get in.  Not working so well.  Whaaa?  They brought a fire rescue metal cutting saw to break in.  They seriously took the time to cut through the door to get in.  Seriously!  What happened to our imagination.  The door?  I guess there is this human connection with the need to enter buildings and rooms through a portal of some kind, like a door.  Come on people!  Everyone knows the walls are more vulnerable!  Drywall and wood are easier to go through than feet of metal.  Well, if not, they do now. 😉

END SPOILER ALERT!

Just once I would like to see reality in a movie or on TV.  And no, I don’t mean those stupid reality shows like, “Who Can Sing The Worst,” “I have No Talent Can I Haves Me Some Millions Now,” or even “I’ll Marry Him/Her As Long As They Are Loaded $$.”   I feel this way only because I know with my luck, if I were chased, the bad guy would just bust through the glass around the door instead of trying to go through the door.

This stupidity is not only limited to bad guys.  Oh no… good guys are vulnerable to the lack of intelligence and common sense too.  I will limit this section to the TV cop dramas.  The wife and I like our night time shows like Blue Bloods, NCIS, CSI, CSI NY, blah blah blah.  Well these shows are full of holes that must drive the real professionals crazy.  Seriously!  Why wouldn’t they?  They drive me crazy and I don’t do that stuff for a living.

So we were watching this episode of Blue Bloods (totally believable plot by the way, having an entire family so interconnected within the local legal and law enforcement system) and the son detective and his partner have a suspect in the back of their car.  The two cops are standing outside the car.  The suspect busts through the back seat window, jumps out of the car, then instantly gets hit by another car.  All while still being handcuffed.  I have never personally been in cuffs (back of a cop car, yes) but I am pretty sure in real life one of the two cops would have been able to get to the car, beat the crap out of the suspect and tied his feet to his ears.  All before he got out of his crouching tiger hidden monkey window kicking position.

OK! OK! I know what you’re saying to yourself.  But Mike, these are just movies and TV.  I get it.  I really do.  These shows are driven by the amount of drama they create.  And if it is done the way real life is, there is no action drama, just sadness.

Well that’s it.  I’m spent.  Rant over…….

Wanna See My Glamor Muscles?

OK so here is my rant.  For those of you that have read some of my earlier posts I talked about how working out is important to me.  Well, I was thinking of how I don’t like the gym and that is probably why I looked towards P90X to help me out and get past my ego driven hatred of lifting weights with guys that just try and out lift you on the station next to you in the gym.

So thinking back to those days, I realize it was just my ego getting to me.  Or was it?  Way back in the dark ages when I started lifting weights for sports I would be in the gym watching/noticing these big muscle guys spend my entire workout time standing in one area possibly doing a set or two of bench presses.  I really think that is all they did plus some bicep curls because looking at them they were just one big blob from their shoulders to their waist.  No real muscle definition just bulk to fill up a shirt.  I call these guys social lifters.  They do more talking than working out.  It made me mad that these guys walked around in the same gym hoarding machines and workout areas.  Here I am trying to sculpt my body the right way, the balanced way, from neck to cankles.  Get out of my way.  Go take a steam or something.

I know there was some rampant steroid use when I started lifting.  Not by me but by some others I knew.  These guys blew up fast and always wanted to lift more, even multiple times a day.  I think that is what drove me a way from lifting for a while.  There was just too much pressure in the air to meet, beat or just compete with others while lifting.  That’s not what it’s supposed to be about.  Leave me alone and let me do my sets and I’ll get out of your mirror space.

So I’m sure you have figured out what glamor muscles are by now right?  OK, well let me clarify for you.  To make this simple, they are the muscles that you want to bulk up to show off to the ladies.  That would be your chest, arms and the upper back and shoulders.  That doesn’t leave much left but for someone that wants to look balanced you need to work out the gams (legs).  Most of these guys don’t and they look stupid.  Hold on!  Let me back pedal a bit here.  Some guys just can’t build their legs based on their genetic make up.  Some legs are going to be skinny because they run.  But when I see guys in the gym 5 times a week doing bench presses and arm curls in the same spot every day, I know….

Now I don’t want to sound like the muscle police here but I just get sick of guys strutting around with little legs and big arms thinking they are the ish.  They might as well be wearing the ripped muscle shirts and pj bottom type pants.  Which reminds me of this  SNL skit with Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, David Spade, Jay Mohr and Emelio Estavez in:

How Much Ya Bench (sorry for the poor quality clip)

Probably the funniest thing beside Chris Farley’s roid rage rant at the end is the fact that everyone on stage had fake legs but David Spade.  🙂

OK, deep breath…..Ahhhh!  Much better.

That concludes my rant.  Thank you for reading!