Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 1)

So yesterday I had leg surgery.  But Mike why do we care?  Well, you don’t and you don’t have to.  But it gave me a good story to tell.  What I had done was called a laser ablation on my left leg.  I had this done on my right leg about 5 or so months ago as well.  I won’t gross you out with all the details of the procedure but it was to close off a big vein in my leg that wasn’t working anymore.  I hate hearing, seeing and talking about blood more than anyone that would read this.  I’m feeling a little weak and ooggy just typing about it.  So I won’t talk about that part….

The day started off like any other day except I woke up 4 -5 hours earlier than I usually wake up (6:30).  Hey!  Don’t hate me because I get to sleep in everyday, I’m unemployed (just waiting on finger prints to be verified and I’ll be employed).  My alarm went off and my one dog came running into the room to make sure I woke up.  Kenai my little buddy has this thing with noises, he come running to me to make sure he is not the only one that hears the weird noise.  After a few minutes of him trying to lick my brain through my nose I got up, showered, dressed and headed out with my wife to the hospital.  Mind you, I was not allowed to have food or water after midnight.  It’s like they think I’m a Gremlin or something.  So, I’m hungry cause I’m up, my mouth is really tacky and I’m getting woozy (I hate being the passenger in a car).

This is not good because it is only going to get worse for me because I know what is coming.  I’ve done this before ya know.  I still have to get the IV put in, then there are all the painful shots up and down my leg, and that laser that goes into my leg and burns the hell out of me.  The worst being in the upper thigh near the groin (OUCH!!!)  Oh, did I mention this is all done under no anesthesia?  But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s back up a bit.

So here I am sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called on.  We got there early and I was the only one there.  So it was kinda weird because all the people in the office kept looking out their little window for other people.  I just looked at them and gave them all a smile as if to say, “Yeah, it’s just me out here.  How about we get this thing over with?”

Finally I get called back, still the only one there, and my wife wishes me luck as if I was going into the Octagon for a MMA fight.  I have to admit, I was cowering like a little girl because I knew it was time for the IV.  I get into a little room, the one before the procedure room.  They try and distract me with some paperwork and questions.  “Here, sign this….and this….and this one.  Did you have any complications such as death, dismemberment or allergic reactions to anything we did to you last time?”  I’m still alive right?  And I came back for this again….what do you think?  “Oh, and here are the instructions for after your procedure.”  Like I have somewhere to put that ish, I’m in sweats!  And I’m going into surgery….

So the IV lady comes in.  She kinda looked like this pic but no little hat.  We made some small talk and I tried my hardest not to watch her prep the needles and stuff (ugh!).  She said she needed my right hand to put the IV in.  So I flipped my chair around to face away from her.  I wasn’t taking any chances of seeing that needle or any blood gushing out as she inserted the IV.  Of course I glance over and see this 10 inch shinny needle in her hand headed toward my hand.  Why did I look?!?  “Small pinch”, she said.  “Ok, another small pinch.” More like oopps I missed the first time.  And of course, I looked again!  WTH am I doing?!?!  Blood was dripping down my fingers and wrist and on the floor.  I feel faint…..Man down!!!!!!

OK so I lied about not talking about blood but it’s funny looking back at it.  So, I’m sitting in the room still in a cold sweat, feeling sick to my stomach and really needing some water and a Snickers at this point.  The first lady came back in to get the paper work.  “All done?  Oh, look at the blood on the floor!”  Argh!  Will people stop saying blood already!

Man down!!!!!

To be continued……….


6 thoughts on “Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 1)

    • My right leg was a have to….my left leg was getting to the point of a have to. 18 years ago I had a vein stripping procedure on my right leg from a lacrosse injury (hit too many times in the leg).

    • She was good last time. It might be my fault for telling her a joke before she stuck me…It was just a defense mechanism for my fear or needles.

      A guy walks in to a psychiatrist’s office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, “I’ve felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

      The doctor replied, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts!”

  1. Pingback: Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 2) | Big Mike's World

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