I’d Like a McFlirty For Here, Please

So yes, by the title you can tell I went to McDonald’s.  I know, I know, I can here you all right now yelling at me….blah blah blah fat calories cholesterol and diabetes.  Let me explain.

Yesterday I had to bring my Mazda to the dealer for some scheduled maintenance.  And since I had the day off I decided to make an O’Dark Thirty appointment so I could get on with my day.  Turns out all I needed was an oil change.  Lucky for me I had a coupon for that.  Then I used my Super Intelligent Phone (some call them just smart but my phone feels slighted by that term) and checked in to the dealership using the application Foursquare and I received a loyalty check-in coupon for a $15 oil change.  Guess what I used on that visit?

Anyway, that is not what this post is really about.

The dealership is near a strip mall which has a McD’s, a Culver’s, a Panda Express and a Jack-in-the-Box.  I really only wanted coffee and knew McD’s had the $1 any size coffee in the mornings.  It was a bit of a walk in the brisk 15 degree temp with a nice slap in the face wind.  I would have ran but I hadn’t had my coffee yet!  You feel me?

As soon as I get in to the McD’s I knew it was just going to be one of those days.  There were 3 customers swarming and pacing by the counter with “that” look on their faces.  Geez!  They all took their turn yelling at the unlucky person to approach the counter.  I get it, you paid for something and you expect to get the right thing, but people come on……you shouldn’t be eating there anyway.  Take the hint!

I didn’t but I needed to kill a few hours thinking I was getting brakes and all kinds of things done on my Amazing Mazda.

Actual size of the coffee I needed that morning

Actual size of the coffee I needed that morning

I got my coffee (black-no cream or sugar) and searched out a nice quiet private little spot in the back of the restaurant.  I pulled out my Super Intelligent Phone and clicked in to the free Wi-Fi I was promised by the sticker on the front door of the store.  I started surfing the internet for the news and was greatly disappointed as usual.  This is not going to get me through a few hours.  Thankfully out of nowhere this old lady sits down behind me.  I think she was a bit crazy.  She was talking with herself as she read the paper.  She would say a passage then giggle and respond with some satirical comment.  I loved it!  I was like, hells yeah, blog material!

A few minutes later an old man sits down at a table by her.  I was like, this is going to get good…

She started talking with him.  And as a typical guy he had little to say back…..until another old guy shows up!  I know, I know, there was an actual commercial like this but this is real life stuff.  You can’t make this up!  I think when McD’s made the commercial they got the idea from this group right here.

The second old guy sat down and said hi to the lady and ignored the other guy.  She said hi back and told him about an article she just told the first guy.  The second guy had an opinion and shared.  Then the first guy, not to be out done, decided to enter the conversation.  Now he talks….

The second guy moves to a closer table to the lady.  More talking, and some awkward giggling and laughter by them all.  Was I back in high school?  The first guy now moves in closer sitting at the same table as the lady.  Not a few seconds later the second guy jumps to the seat beside him.

I pretty much lost track of what anyone was saying since my wife did a morale call right after all that happened.  I was watching what they were all doing.  There was a lot of arm touching and googly eyes.

The whole scenario was funny to watch cause that first guy was gonna play it all smooth until that second guy showed up.  I wonder if this is what it’s like in retirement homes.?.

I have also declared that section of the restaurant the Flirting section.  So if you see a bunch of old people sitting in a group at a McD’s near the restrooms, you know that is now the designated Flirting section.

So I guess life doesn’t end after 65….at least for these three it didn’t.

Thanks for the smiles old timers!

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The Best Inventions No-One’s Invented Yet

I am dedicating this post to all of you in the world that have been overlooked by society too long!  The Lefties!  You have been scorned long enough.  There are not even any left handed superheros for you to look up to.  This is a disgrace!

Did you know that one of the coolest animals on the endangered species list is left handed?  Yup, the polar bear.  It’s natures way of slowly getting rid of the left handers.  Another sad statistic for you.  10% of all car thieves are left handed.  That means there is a 10% chance that your car was stolen by a polar bear.  You are so under represented.

I just want to point out some of societies blunders that are holding you back from your potential.

The cup

Look at these things!  It’s so blatant that there is no love for the left hander.  The coffee cups only have the handles on the right side.  How hard would it be to put another handle on there?  Seriously?  It would only be a little bit more clay.  And there are 3 of them in this picture.  It’s like getting flipped off 3 times in a row.  And those Solo cups.  Geez!  How about a slap in the face too with the right hand?  They didn’t even bother putting a handle on there.  It’s like the company is saying, “We know the left hander exists but we don’t care.”  How is a left hander supposed to know how to pick this cup up?  Come on!

Societal Habits in general

Imagine the center of your back is itching. Which hand do you scratch it with?

– That’s right, your right hand!

Interlock your fingers. Which thumb is uppermost?

– Again, it’s your right!

Imagine you are applauding. Start clapping your hands. Which hand is uppermost?

– Are you starting to see a pattern?

Wink at an imaginary friend straight in front of you. Which eye does the winking?

– The right!

Put your hands behind your back, one holding the other. Which hand is doing the holding?

– Do I have to say it?

Someone in front of you is shouting but you cannot hear the words. Cup your ear to hear better. Which ear do you cup?

– What’s that sonny?  I can’t hear ya…is that your right hand?

Count to three on your fingers, using the forefinger of the other hand. Which forefinger do you use?

– Ah 1…….2…. right hand.

Tilt your head over on to one shoulder. Which shoulder does it touch?

– I can’t see.  Ya tilting to the right, right?

Fixate on a small distant object with your eyes and point directly at it with your forefinger. Now close one eye. Now change eyes. Which eye was open when the fingertip remained in line with the small object? (When the other eye, the non-dominant one, is open and the dominant eye is closed, the finger will appear to move to one side of the object.)

– That’s just too hard.  You need a degree for that one.  Don’t even try it lefties…..

Writing

We, meaning society, have gone after the core of you since you were young.  Have you seen a crayon lately?  Try reading one from your left hand.  You can’t!  Those bastards at Crayola only write the color name in one direction.  Maybe that is why you never stayed in the lines.  You were always trying to read the color name upside down while coloring.  Sorry for all those years of special classes thinking you were behind in development.  It just turns out you just were being diligent in your color selection.  Oops!

Language

Now this goes way before my time.  So don’t expect any reparations from me on this one.  It just isn’t happening.

Language Word for Left Handed Meaning
Greek Skaios awkward
Italian Mancino crooked, maimed
spanish Zurdo reverse
French Gauche awkward, clumsy
Dutch Linkshandig To have two left hands
German Links, Kinkisch awkward
Norwegian Kjevhendt crooked-handed
Australia Mollie Dooker something to do with having fists like a girl
Latin Sinister on the left-hand side

I can’t make this stuff up.  This is real, folks.  Your own language makes fun of you.

Fighting the good fight

So this is me dedicating this article to the fight against society for you, left handers.  I will head to my drawing board to come up with some solutions to your problems.  I’m not left handed myself but I feel your pain (not really, I’m normal unlike you).  So I pledge my valuable time to fight for the cause.  Power to the Lefties! (said in a Braveheart manner with right fist raised in the air, I mean LEFT fist, left, I meant left, really)