Poor Dispicable Little Me

So much going on!  So little time to explain….

For those of you following this little soap opera, you know I have a new job now.  I think I have finally settled in the position now.  I am still learing what all of my responsibilities are because there seem to be new ones that pop up every week.  But that is OK….I’m finally in a cool position doing marketing.  Which brings me to some new hurdles in life.

First hurdle is sitting in a car for a two-hour round trip to work everyday.  Second hurdle, sitting most of the day for my 8-9 hour work day.  Third hurdle, looking at a computer screen for most of it.

So now that I am no longer physical in my job, I have to figure out a way to keep the body looking good.  Food has become more important than ever for me cause with my “Oooo Shinny” disease, hunger can play games with my attention span.

Problems solved????

The drive to work can be a very stressful time.  Most of my commute is spent in a “bamboo splinter shoved up my finger nail” type pain traffic.  Thankfully my wife works in the same vicinity as I do so we commute together, which makes the drive that much better (can you feel the sarcasm?).  She loves a traffic jam as much as a cat loves a bath.  Most of her time is spent in the passenger seat with her head down playing games on her phone while I smile stupidly at all the A-hole Maryland drivers cutting me off, zigzagging all around me, and slamming into each other all over the road and causing even more havoc.  My problem was solved once I took my Prozac!

So sitting most of the day has played one heck of a shake the puzzle box game on my spine.  I have learned that we (those of us that sit in office type chairs) are destroying our bodies each and every day we use those blasted devices that hold our asses off the ground.  My problem was solved two weeks ago when I brought in my exercise ball to sit on instead of using my chair.  Hey, I’m blasting my core and working at the same time!  Plus the majority of us in our office are doing a version of the biggest loser.  So I now have a little added incentive to keep up an active lifestyle.

Those of you that have read me for a while do know I used to be a happy fat kid with a piece of chocolate cake in one hand and a stick of butter in the other.  Now I have done a whole life changing event by going Paleo.  The months I have been learning, experimenting, and living Paleo I have never felt better.

The day I said no more to grains, highly refined foods, anything in boxes, most things in cans, and all fast food I made a life decision that probably has added years to my life.  I have taken some sage advice from some of the Paleo food bloggers that are extreme workout peeps and full-time professionals on meal prep.  I cook huge batches of meals on Sundays so I don’t have to make excuses that there is nothing to take for lunch or there is nothing for dinner.  I don’t want to fall into the eating out all week routine that I once was in.

So yeah, that’s about where I’m at right now.  I work with a bunch of great people and enjoy what I do.

Oh, I almost forgot the funny part of my post!  So I went on a run the other day with two of the girls that are doing the biggest loser at work.  It was cold so I was wearing my black thermal tights and my black UA winter running jacket.  The one girl said I had skinny legs for a guy then the other said with my bald head and what I was wearing I looked like Gru from Dispicable Me.

Yeah, it’s true, I looked like Gru that day.

OK, so you can stop laughing at me now….

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Big Mike Does Wen Hair?

 

No he doesn’t!  You have seen pictures of me.  I have no hair.  But hey, did you know that Alyssa Milano does Wen Hair?  I did.  The only reason I know that is because that infomercial is always on.  I don’t even really know what the product is.  But I guess the fact that Alyssa Milano uses it, or at least she says she uses it, that I should be too.  Why not?  It’s only $29.99 for a 6 oz. bottle of whatever it is.  I don’t see what could go wrong with using such an over priced product, do you?

 

 

 

 

Oh yeah, that could happen!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I bet it feels really good in your hair, right?

 

 

 

 

 

Well, I could be wrong.

 

So what’s my point?  Well, it’s just another bad marketing scheme.  I was recently asked by a fellow blogger, after reading my post Don’t Worry, It Comes With Instructions (Part 2), if I was going to be the new spokes person for Slim Jim.  I think that would be a great marketing scheme and you will know why once you read that post.  I can see the commercial now…it is worthy of Toby or a Telly award.

And now for the worst non-connected transition you’ll ever see ……..

I got another award!  Woo woo!  Yeah that’s right, I’m hot ish baby!  I received an endorsement from a fellow friend/blogger, Sharon @ A Bump To The Head .  She gave me the Genuine Blogger Award! (This is going right up on my wall of shinny before the fat kid in me gets his hands on it.  It looks like a chocolate bar…I can’t take the chance, he could eat it.)

Sharon is a pretty awesome laaydee.  She’s a Brit that lives in New Zealand.  How cool is that?  I really think you all should be reading her blog.  She says some crazy things like: wallop, bonzer, g’day, dinky di, and mate.  I’m sure she talked about wallabies at some point and I bet she carries a huge knife too!  Or was that Mick Dundee?  I could be making all this up too.  You won’t know unless you check her blog out.  Either way she is a cool blogger and I know you all will be reading her stuff soon.  I won’t do any spoilers on Sharon but she is a very inspirational laaydee.  What are you waiting for?  Go now!  Check her out!

So what is the Genuine Blogger Award?  I don’t know and I don’t think anyone else does either.  There are no rules attached to receiving and giving it.  That’s what makes it genuine.  It is a chance for someone to reach out to another blogger and say, “Hey, you done goodly.  I’m like’in that ish your postin.”  Hopefully you all feel that way about my writing.

I try to bring a little levity to the heaviness of everyday life.  I’m sure my humor is not for everyone but I bet I can make you laugh at some point.  If it hasn’t happened yet, I can feel it coming soon.  Just have a Kleenex ready in case milk comes shooting out your nose.  I have also been known to make women pee a little when they read my stuff.  I’m not too sure how to take that one though.

What do you have to look forward to if you stick around?

Well, there is still that naked picture of me at 3 yrs old laying  with my ass in the air on a large stuffed dog posing for the camera eating a piece of cheese that you haven’t seen yet.  And then there is the one of me around the same age sitting “in” the toilet eating a piece of pizza.  Yeah, there is a pattern here.  All my embarrassing pictures involves food and me being naked.  But at least I’m consistent.  And I’m pretty sure my one uncle has a picture (of the aftermath) of the time I pooped in the bath tub, with him in it……I don’t think anyone wants to see that pic though.

Now if that doesn’t bring you back, I guess I’ll just toss it out and add this current marketing campaign to the following list of bad marketing research/slogans/and campaigns.

The Horror of bad Marketing

The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read “Are you lactating?”  Mmmmm, Milk!

Coors put its slogan, “Turn It Loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer From Diarrhea.” (had to use spell check) I bet if you drink too much that could happen.

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “Manure Stick.”  Mmmmm, I love the smell of manure in the morning!

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read, take a guess at what they thought was in the jar…..

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.  Hey, it’s really just white toothpaste, I promise!

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I Saw the Potato” (la papa).  Which could have worked in Idaho….

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Kekoukela”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “kokou kole”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”  Which again is like biting a wax tadpole……

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” The company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!”  As long as it’s your first time… 🙂

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its “Fly In Leather” campaign literally, which meant “Fly Naked” (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!  I’m in!

The famous fried Chicken hub KFC’s slogan “finger-lickin good” when marketed was translated into China as“eat your fingers off.”  And how do we not know that it’s not really Soylent Green?  Then it would be true.

When Ford tried selling it’s car “Pinto” in Brazil it was a huge failure. The reason – the word “Pinto” is a slang for small penis in Brazil.  That’s no bueno!!

When Hunt – Wesson introduced their Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos, they forgot to note one thing, Gros Jos is the slang for “big breasts.”  I took 4 years of French in high school and never knew that, what a jip!

Until next time…….do your research, please!  And while you’re at it go visit Sharon @ A Bump To The Head.