Spandex, It’s What’s For Dinner

So I was riding a high from earlier this afternoon (I got a job offer) and needed to burn some extra energy.  But some errands needed done first.  So I went grocery shopping with the wife, dropped off some recyclables(I’m trying to save the Earth you know), stop at the post office and picked up a black ink cartridge for my printer.  Yeah, yeah, the exercise part is coming soon.

It has been a while since I went to the store to really shop and restock all the stuff I use to make some homemade goodness.  Have you ever noticed how tiring grocery shopping is?  I think it is from all that dodging of old people and of course forgetting you needed something in isle 1 when you are in isle 10 and then you forget where your cart is so you start going up and down each isle looking for it.  A $100 later the wife and I are carrying our bags out to the car.  Stupid me asked for paper bags (cause I’m trying to save the Earth from death by plastic) but forgot we parked in Timbuk2.  My poor wife is stopping ever few steps cause she grabbed all the heavy bags, at least she made them look heavy.  Don’t worry, I was a gentleman and helped her.  It turns out she had the bags with all the light stuff in them.

Anyway, we came home and I made a great dressing for the calorie conscious.  It was taught to me by a Jamaican friend I worked with while I was in California.  I have no idea what it’s called but I love it.  It’s pretty simple but spicy hot!!  So if you want the recipe here you go:

32 oz bottle of white vinegar

bag of coleslaw(you can cut up your own if you want, I’m lazy)

1-4 habanero peppers (diced)

1 Ball jar with lid

1 made in China stainless steel knife

I do this in layers.  I shove the jar 1/2 full of the cabbage mix then cut 2 habaneros then pour in enough vinegar to cover.  Then repeat till full.  When its full, screw on the lid and give’er a shake.  It should look something like this picture.  Then I put it on my top shelf in the fridge right beside my homemade salsa!  I use this stuff on all kinds of meats.  It’s best on pig, cow or as an oil-less salad dressing.

Ok so enough from Chef Mike.  I have a ton of recipes I could share but this is about exercise, right?  So I had a great workout yesterday so why not press my luck today too?  My legs were a bit sketchy so I wanted to get them warmed up first.  I remembered I had some of my magic warming juice left from when I was really into cycling. I don’t even know if this is made anymore.  It smells great!  The ingredients are straight from someone’s kitchen; veggie oil, mineral oil, wintergreen, rosemary, menthol, cayenne, and clove.  If there wasn’t a warning for intended use as external I would be marinating my chicken in this stuff.  The green stuff you see there is for after I took a shower. Made me smell even pertier…..

Anyway, after I got all greased up, I pulled my spandex compression shorts back up, then my Under Armour shorts, and headed out the door.  I decided to do a nice medium paced 2 1/2 mile run to start it off.  I think I burned through that in 20 min or so.  I’m not sure, I could be fibbing.  I was too lazy to use my ipod and track it with my Nike+ thingy-ma-bob.  Someone forgot to tell me this was going to be a group run.  I guess my warming goo was a Pavlovian scent for neighborhood dogs to come out and join me.  Those dogs were no joke either.  I felt like a Snausage with two legs.  I had to pick up the pace but not too much.  I was afraid of creating too much friction with my spandex.  I didn’t want to spontaneously combust!  Those are my shoes…..just in case you don’t believe me I run.  Not that a picture of shoes would make you believe that but I’m all about showing as much positive evidence as I can.

A quick wipe away of all those little bugs that didn’t strategically fly into my mouth, a change of shoes, and I jumped right into my P90X Plyometic workout.  Tony Horton was relentless on me.  For some reason he must have thought I was dogging it cause he kept yelling at me to Bring It!  I have feelings you know, Tony!  I’m an emotional guy, I cry very easily.

If you ever feel good while working out, don’t worry, you’ll get over it!  That is what happened to me today. Wow!  Not that Tony hurt my feelings by calling me out in front of my couch and ottoman (although I do see them everyday and it will be a little embarrassing for a few days) but because I was beat.

I know I can only grow stronger and faster with the backing of my loving wife who after I finished working out asked if I was OK, then instantly told me to suck it up after I said I was tired.  Thanks for the back massage honey!  NOT!!!!

I know the day will come when I ask my wife this: “What do you love most about me? My tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?” My wife will respond, “What I love most about you, is your enormous sense of humor.”

I shall leave you with a few words of wisdom.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Exercise….It’s The Poor Person’s Plastic Surgery

So today I took a deep look at myself and decided it was time to dig deep and push till I could do no more.  What a stupid idea!  Well, not really.

I have been following a few other bloggers that are also battling through P90X, running, pilates and other great exercise type things.  Today I figured why not me?  Why can’t I start doing more in my workouts?  Today marked the beginning of week 9 in my P90X schedule.  It should have been week 11 but I had a few set backs.  In actuality this should be my second time finishing P90X but I had leg surgery a few months ago that set me back so much that I just started all over.  And now by the looks of things I won’t be able to correctly finish this round either.  I am scheduled to have another leg surgery the beginning of March, which would be week 11 of this go around of P90X.  I probably could finish it but I would have to skip the leg workouts, which are my favorite.

Anyway, back to today.  I needed to get moving before my brain realized what I was about to do.  I like to run but I haven’t in quite some time.  I’m just lazy and it’s been cold.  But today was about 50ish out.  Plus my wife went for a run early in the morning making me feel like a big bag of pooh.  So being guilted into running without actually being guilted, I went for a brisk 2 mile run around our housing development.  It felt pretty good to run again.  The only bad thing was that the air was still a bit harsh so I will be hacking like a cat on a fur ball the rest of the day.  That didn’t make for a pleasant stomach for my round of Chest & Back with Tony Horton.  He didn’t seem to care either, he just kept on going like he was on a DVD or something.

The results of my workout were kinda surprising.  I figured I would be spent after the run since I haven’t done it in a while(plus I did Core Synergistics yesterday) but I actually had a good day in push-ups and pull-ups.  It’s not the best a human can do but for me it wasn’t a bad day.  I ended up doing 156 total push-ups and 76 pull-ups.  It’s not exactly the ratio I want to be at nor the amount.  I would like to be more at a 3-1 or 4-1 push to pull ratio.  But I’ll take it!  Especially after almost seeing my Chocolate-Cherry Carb Boom again a few times during the P90X segment.

I would like to leave you with a few words to keep you going:

Pain is weakness leaving your body!

If you will excuse me, I am going to lay down and pass out now…..

The Best Inventions No-One’s Invented Yet

I am dedicating this post to all of you in the world that have been overlooked by society too long!  The Lefties!  You have been scorned long enough.  There are not even any left handed superheros for you to look up to.  This is a disgrace!

Did you know that one of the coolest animals on the endangered species list is left handed?  Yup, the polar bear.  It’s natures way of slowly getting rid of the left handers.  Another sad statistic for you.  10% of all car thieves are left handed.  That means there is a 10% chance that your car was stolen by a polar bear.  You are so under represented.

I just want to point out some of societies blunders that are holding you back from your potential.

The cup

Look at these things!  It’s so blatant that there is no love for the left hander.  The coffee cups only have the handles on the right side.  How hard would it be to put another handle on there?  Seriously?  It would only be a little bit more clay.  And there are 3 of them in this picture.  It’s like getting flipped off 3 times in a row.  And those Solo cups.  Geez!  How about a slap in the face too with the right hand?  They didn’t even bother putting a handle on there.  It’s like the company is saying, “We know the left hander exists but we don’t care.”  How is a left hander supposed to know how to pick this cup up?  Come on!

Societal Habits in general

Imagine the center of your back is itching. Which hand do you scratch it with?

– That’s right, your right hand!

Interlock your fingers. Which thumb is uppermost?

– Again, it’s your right!

Imagine you are applauding. Start clapping your hands. Which hand is uppermost?

– Are you starting to see a pattern?

Wink at an imaginary friend straight in front of you. Which eye does the winking?

– The right!

Put your hands behind your back, one holding the other. Which hand is doing the holding?

– Do I have to say it?

Someone in front of you is shouting but you cannot hear the words. Cup your ear to hear better. Which ear do you cup?

– What’s that sonny?  I can’t hear ya…is that your right hand?

Count to three on your fingers, using the forefinger of the other hand. Which forefinger do you use?

– Ah 1…….2…. right hand.

Tilt your head over on to one shoulder. Which shoulder does it touch?

– I can’t see.  Ya tilting to the right, right?

Fixate on a small distant object with your eyes and point directly at it with your forefinger. Now close one eye. Now change eyes. Which eye was open when the fingertip remained in line with the small object? (When the other eye, the non-dominant one, is open and the dominant eye is closed, the finger will appear to move to one side of the object.)

– That’s just too hard.  You need a degree for that one.  Don’t even try it lefties…..

Writing

We, meaning society, have gone after the core of you since you were young.  Have you seen a crayon lately?  Try reading one from your left hand.  You can’t!  Those bastards at Crayola only write the color name in one direction.  Maybe that is why you never stayed in the lines.  You were always trying to read the color name upside down while coloring.  Sorry for all those years of special classes thinking you were behind in development.  It just turns out you just were being diligent in your color selection.  Oops!

Language

Now this goes way before my time.  So don’t expect any reparations from me on this one.  It just isn’t happening.

Language Word for Left Handed Meaning
Greek Skaios awkward
Italian Mancino crooked, maimed
spanish Zurdo reverse
French Gauche awkward, clumsy
Dutch Linkshandig To have two left hands
German Links, Kinkisch awkward
Norwegian Kjevhendt crooked-handed
Australia Mollie Dooker something to do with having fists like a girl
Latin Sinister on the left-hand side

I can’t make this stuff up.  This is real, folks.  Your own language makes fun of you.

Fighting the good fight

So this is me dedicating this article to the fight against society for you, left handers.  I will head to my drawing board to come up with some solutions to your problems.  I’m not left handed myself but I feel your pain (not really, I’m normal unlike you).  So I pledge my valuable time to fight for the cause.  Power to the Lefties! (said in a Braveheart manner with right fist raised in the air, I mean LEFT fist, left, I meant left, really)

Debate Of The Week #2

It must be Friday because it’s time to drop your socks and grab your tux for the Debate of the Week!

Last week I asked you which was better: Your options are Wine – Beer – Spirits/Alcohol

And the results are in!

What we learned is that there really is no consensus of the ultimate drink.  Although, this method was not done according to the scientific method, the results were still impressive.  Most of us seem to like a little of everything.  There were some great new drinks shared with me and I thank you for that.  So one week later, there is no clear winner.  I’m still not disappointed in the outcome.  I think as this weekly segment grows, more of you will participate and we will get better results in the future.

On to the new Debate Of The Week!

(Phone rings) Hello, my name is Baldy McBaldrick.  I am bald.  Are you bald too?  Would you like to go out and do bald things?

I’m bald(ing).  Shaved bald by choice.  I shave my legs too.  But that is a discussion for another time.  Guys I know its a war out there.  Your hair is retreating and your forehead is advancing.  And  there are no reinforcements coming.

I can’t stand those guys that have those 3 long hairs and comb them over from ear to ear and think they still have a full head of hair.  WTH!  Get over yourself!  You’re Bald!  It’s over!  Better yet, you see some people with a dead creature sutured or glued to their bald spot (which is usually the majority of their head) walking around like they are fooling someone.  Dude, your sides are salt and pepper and the top is reddish brown.  Not working for ya!  Shave the porn stash, lose the pilot sunglasses, get rid of the Members Only jacket and join us in the 21st century.

But seriously, back to the Debate of the Week, Hair. Bald is sexy, women!  Admit it…..come on, admit it.  I’m sexy and I know it!  I work out….. (that song was made for me. I know this to be true cause I just said it)  Can I get a wiggle wiggle wiggle?

I guess I am just choosing to go with what I was dealt.  I used to have long flowing hair when I was 18.  I wanted to be a grunge band guitarist.  I was close to my dream.  I played guitar in my fraternity’s house band.  And I had long hair, torn jeans and screamed a lot of nonsense.  Oh how I loved my long hair.  Chicks dug it.  Other guys were envious.  It also didn’t hurt that I played lacrosse in college too, which added to the groupies.  The only thing I was missing was some ink.

So what is my ideal hairstyle?  Right now I love my baldness.  It is so easy to just jump out of bed or get up from a nap and not worry if I look like Cameron Diaz in “There’s Something About Mary.”  But yet I do miss my hair, a little.  I know my wife does.  She begged me to try every product out there to grow it back.  Not happening honey!  Homey don’t play that…  So that leaves me with either a really close buzz or razor shave.  Sometimes it does suck when I work out and I have that 2 day stubble working and my towel sticks to my head.  But I deal with it.  It’s still better than looking like that -> -> ->

What hair styles do I like on other people?  Oh wow.  At the risk of my own life or limb (and you all know which one I could lose), cause my wife reads this, I like a few different kinds.  I like blonde curly, short (chin length) black, and red of any length (grrrr).  (These only pertain to women, I don’t care what guys have)

OK, so enough about me being follicley challenged.  Here is your part of the debate.  It is in 3 parts.  Pay attention!  Yes, you…..

Part 1

Bald, Balding (lets call this the Friar Tuck) or Well Groomed Hair…..which one is best?

Part 2

Hey I put myself out there, it’s your turn!  What is the topping that you consider sexy?  None (like me :-)) – Long flowing hair – Short locks with a little spike to it – A curly bounce – anything with color is good with me (pink, blue, anything not natural) – or your own write in.

Part 3

If you could hex a person,would it be with a bad hair style, what would it be and why?  (It better not be bald, cause that is just mean :-()

Do you remember the rules for the Debate of the Week?  If not check them out Here.

Now get typing……

Enjoy your weekend!

Seafood, Landfood & Airfood

Well, its that time of year where our TV is filled with those annoying commercials about fish.  Geez!  I despise this time of year.  Why?  For one, I can’t eat fish.  I’m allergic.  If I as much as touch a slimy creature from the deep, I would die!  Which makes 1/5 of my life ironic because I have lived in Alaska for 3 years, California for 2, and Japan for 3.  All were supposed to have some of the best fish and fish like items in the world.  But Mike those fish and fish like items are called seafood.  I know, I know.  But that is the second reason I don’t like this time of year.  Why is it called “Seafood?”  Did someone look into a body of water and say, “I hereby claim anything that comes from water is now dubbed Seafood!”  ……..and the crowd cheered!  Seriously, WTH?

Whatever!  I don’t see anything else being bundled into one general name on this planet.  We might as well call the cows, pigs, chicken, sheep, dog and cat Landfood.  Why not?  They probably won’t mind.  Or know.  I don’t see anyone going up to ole Bessy and whisper in her ear to tell her she is called Landfood and not just a cow anymore.  WTH is Bessy able to do about it?  Get a group of fellow cows from the pasture and protest?  I know they can organize and protest about eating of their own kind and throw another animal under the bus, like the chicken.  Chic-fil-A says so.  I saw it on TV.  It must be true.

Eh, screw it!  I hereby claim from this day on, all 4 legged animals that humans consume will be dubbed Landfood!  ……and the crowd cheered!

OK, well I can’t just turn my back on our foul friends then can I?  So look out ducks, look out pheasant and all you other finger licking good feathery friends.  I have now dubbed you Airfood!  So it is written, so it shall be done!  …….and the crowd cheered!  I kind of fell in love with the name for the category called Airfood.  It sounds light and healthy.  You know; no cholesterol, low cal and good for ya.  Almost along the lines of Angel food cake.  Just sounds so un-sinfull.  It must be good.

Alright, so I have that out of the way.  Lets talk a little more about individual names of these animals.  I think I should just pick on the fish cause they suck.  They still tick me off.  Damn things want to kill me.

So, there is a catfish.  WTH is that?  Why would two such animals ever be combined by name?  Cats hate water and fish just don’t know it but cats eat fish.  What a stupid name.  Did someone say, “Hey look at that fish’s claws!”  Oh but wait Mike, they have whiskers.  Oooo la de da!  I have a hairy body, does that make me a MonkeyHuman?  No!  It makes me look like Robin Williams but it doesn’t change my biological classification or name.

Other stupid names for fish:

Monk fish- Does it brew beer? Probably not.

Aholehole- This poor thing must have Turrets Syndrome.

Clown fish- Really?  Where is the big red nose?

The Crappie- Must be found in brown water.

Ghost fish- Do they really exist?

And lastly, maybe the handfish should meet up with the blowfish and they could live happily ever after.  Just sayin……

So I picked on the poor little fishies.  Boo Hoo!  Sorry Charley….  I do have a favorite of the underworld, the whale shark.  Have you seen this mo fo?  This thing is so cool it was given the name of the toughest beast in the water plus it is so large it was given the name for the largest mammal in the water.  Damn, it’s cool!  He is the dude on the block you just don’t mess with.  He doesn’t even need a posse to roll with him.

There is another perfectly named fish, the killer whale.  OK, its a mammal but look at this boss!  He just looks tough.  Those big patches that look like eyes and that snarly beak.  It’s as if he wants to fight.  He even carries a knife on his back just to warn you to STFA!  If you get in his way, he’ll cut you.  Another thing about him, he eats fat filled seals.  How cool is that.  He doesn’t even worry about heart disease or cholesterol.  I would say he is the Michael Myers or Jason of the sea.

Class dismissed!  Thank you for stopping by……

Dr. Seuss & I

For some reason I am stuck on thinking about the one and only Dr. Seuss today.  Maybe my brain is just in that mixed up kinda world where everything is fun and silly.  It could be because there is a mouse in the house or I have always wanted to see a fox in socks.  Maybe I’m just stuck at that reading level for today (not like I ever surpassed it to begin with).  If you don’t believe me you should see some papers I wrote in my Master’s program.  I still can’t believe they gave me that degree.

I spent part of the day looking for new blogs to follow and found some great ones that I can relate to.  And hopefully they will click on me to see a little of what I’m about.  For those that have been reading me for the weeks that I have been doing this, I thank you for sticking around while I find myself in a creative way.  I still feel as if I’m changing my style with every post I do.  Hopefully that doesn’t discourage you from reading but it should give you a sense that I just don’t know who I am as a writer yet.  And the best is yet to come.

There are many reasons why I relate to the Cat in The Hat.  This quote from him is one of the reasons.  And it seems to be very true because I seem to be attracting more and more readers because I am staying true to this.  Although at times I feel as if I try too hard to make a post better, I just hit that backspace and start over.  I dig deep to find what the little fat kid in me wants to say.  Although I have to bait him with some chocolate cake to come out at times. He never had an audience before and he is loving all the attention now.  I just wish he would have put the spork down at times.  But maybe he will have the courage to finally push the plate away and accept the attention you are giving him.

Like in all cases we see what is around us and we take it all in.  Just as I did today.  The beloved Dr. Seuss’ writing called out to me.  I think I just needed a little wake up call.  He certainly was spot on with this other quote ( <- I’m talkin about over here, if I already lost ya).  If for some reason you don’t have any nonsense going on then you might need to turn on the TV, you could get lucky and there might be a Vin Diesel movie on. 😉 Or maybe you need a little laugh.  Look out your window.  I’m sure the crazy neighbor who is 300 lbs, has the hairiest back in the world, never wears a shirt, and has one nipple pierced is outside picking his nose or scratching his ass.  Or if you don’t have one of those visit your local Wal-Mart.  I guarantee you will find a little crazy floating around there.

I think I need to bring this to an end.  All the stuff around me is starting to look a little funny.  It could just be my meds wearing off.  Either way I need to take the dogs for a walk and see what the crazy guy down the street is up to.

Before I end for the day, I want to leave you these last 2 Things to think about!

Enjoy your day! 🙂

Stupid Characters

Alright, yes, this is another rant.  I think I need to create a Rant Category.  I am finding out I like to *itch about a lot of stuff and no one really listens to me in person.  But I need to get it out some way.  So you have become my lab rats.  Some of you can be fluffy little bunnies if you want.

Anyway, I have been the unknowing participant in the watching of stupid movie characters the past few consecutive movies I have watched.  Let me elaborate.  So you have all sorts of movies out there; thriller, horror, action, drama, romance, and stupid.  I unfortunately have been watching more of the last category.  Well not necessarily the move being stupid but movies with stupid characters.  What do I mean by stupid you ask?

Stupid is as stupid does, as Forest Gump says.  OK so my main complaint is with movies that have bad guys that chase people.  It doesn’t really matter who is chasing, could be the mass murderer or just some creepy person with a limp.  And they don’t even have to be chasing either.  The unknowing victim could be just sitting on their couch in their apartment eating a hotdog and the bad guy tries to break in.  Oh, it’s 2:30AM, I wonder who that could be?  Peephole, weird eye staring back, cue scream!  EEEEK!

Here is the flaw and where the stupid movie character comes in.  Damsel in distress makes it to door, fiddles with keys, drops keys, fiddles with keys again, drops keys again, magically picks right key, door opens, door slams shut just in time.  Quiet on the set!  Cue stupid bad guys!  Hey this door seems to be locked.  Let’s jiggle the door knob a few more times to make sure.  Ok, locked.  Damn it, we can’t get in.  I’ll be back (said in best Arnold voice).  I know, I know, this doesn’t always happen.  But doors don’t keep bad people out, they keep the good people out or in depending on the case.  These things are like magic force fields that only last long enough until your heart pounds just a little faster.

So today I streamed Limitless from Netflix and if you have not seen it:

SPOILER ALERT!

The movie reaches the foreshadowing scene from the beginning of the movie with the main character just chilling on his balcony ledge of his vaulted apartment with this huge steel door that has 1 foot thick bolts latching it to the wall.  Cue bad guys!  Bad guys begin to bang on said big metal door trying to get in.  Not working so well.  Whaaa?  They brought a fire rescue metal cutting saw to break in.  They seriously took the time to cut through the door to get in.  Seriously!  What happened to our imagination.  The door?  I guess there is this human connection with the need to enter buildings and rooms through a portal of some kind, like a door.  Come on people!  Everyone knows the walls are more vulnerable!  Drywall and wood are easier to go through than feet of metal.  Well, if not, they do now. 😉

END SPOILER ALERT!

Just once I would like to see reality in a movie or on TV.  And no, I don’t mean those stupid reality shows like, “Who Can Sing The Worst,” “I have No Talent Can I Haves Me Some Millions Now,” or even “I’ll Marry Him/Her As Long As They Are Loaded $$.”   I feel this way only because I know with my luck, if I were chased, the bad guy would just bust through the glass around the door instead of trying to go through the door.

This stupidity is not only limited to bad guys.  Oh no… good guys are vulnerable to the lack of intelligence and common sense too.  I will limit this section to the TV cop dramas.  The wife and I like our night time shows like Blue Bloods, NCIS, CSI, CSI NY, blah blah blah.  Well these shows are full of holes that must drive the real professionals crazy.  Seriously!  Why wouldn’t they?  They drive me crazy and I don’t do that stuff for a living.

So we were watching this episode of Blue Bloods (totally believable plot by the way, having an entire family so interconnected within the local legal and law enforcement system) and the son detective and his partner have a suspect in the back of their car.  The two cops are standing outside the car.  The suspect busts through the back seat window, jumps out of the car, then instantly gets hit by another car.  All while still being handcuffed.  I have never personally been in cuffs (back of a cop car, yes) but I am pretty sure in real life one of the two cops would have been able to get to the car, beat the crap out of the suspect and tied his feet to his ears.  All before he got out of his crouching tiger hidden monkey window kicking position.

OK! OK! I know what you’re saying to yourself.  But Mike, these are just movies and TV.  I get it.  I really do.  These shows are driven by the amount of drama they create.  And if it is done the way real life is, there is no action drama, just sadness.

Well that’s it.  I’m spent.  Rant over…….