Poor Dispicable Little Me

So much going on!  So little time to explain….

For those of you following this little soap opera, you know I have a new job now.  I think I have finally settled in the position now.  I am still learing what all of my responsibilities are because there seem to be new ones that pop up every week.  But that is OK….I’m finally in a cool position doing marketing.  Which brings me to some new hurdles in life.

First hurdle is sitting in a car for a two-hour round trip to work everyday.  Second hurdle, sitting most of the day for my 8-9 hour work day.  Third hurdle, looking at a computer screen for most of it.

So now that I am no longer physical in my job, I have to figure out a way to keep the body looking good.  Food has become more important than ever for me cause with my “Oooo Shinny” disease, hunger can play games with my attention span.

Problems solved????

The drive to work can be a very stressful time.  Most of my commute is spent in a “bamboo splinter shoved up my finger nail” type pain traffic.  Thankfully my wife works in the same vicinity as I do so we commute together, which makes the drive that much better (can you feel the sarcasm?).  She loves a traffic jam as much as a cat loves a bath.  Most of her time is spent in the passenger seat with her head down playing games on her phone while I smile stupidly at all the A-hole Maryland drivers cutting me off, zigzagging all around me, and slamming into each other all over the road and causing even more havoc.  My problem was solved once I took my Prozac!

So sitting most of the day has played one heck of a shake the puzzle box game on my spine.  I have learned that we (those of us that sit in office type chairs) are destroying our bodies each and every day we use those blasted devices that hold our asses off the ground.  My problem was solved two weeks ago when I brought in my exercise ball to sit on instead of using my chair.  Hey, I’m blasting my core and working at the same time!  Plus the majority of us in our office are doing a version of the biggest loser.  So I now have a little added incentive to keep up an active lifestyle.

Those of you that have read me for a while do know I used to be a happy fat kid with a piece of chocolate cake in one hand and a stick of butter in the other.  Now I have done a whole life changing event by going Paleo.  The months I have been learning, experimenting, and living Paleo I have never felt better.

The day I said no more to grains, highly refined foods, anything in boxes, most things in cans, and all fast food I made a life decision that probably has added years to my life.  I have taken some sage advice from some of the Paleo food bloggers that are extreme workout peeps and full-time professionals on meal prep.  I cook huge batches of meals on Sundays so I don’t have to make excuses that there is nothing to take for lunch or there is nothing for dinner.  I don’t want to fall into the eating out all week routine that I once was in.

So yeah, that’s about where I’m at right now.  I work with a bunch of great people and enjoy what I do.

Oh, I almost forgot the funny part of my post!  So I went on a run the other day with two of the girls that are doing the biggest loser at work.  It was cold so I was wearing my black thermal tights and my black UA winter running jacket.  The one girl said I had skinny legs for a guy then the other said with my bald head and what I was wearing I looked like Gru from Dispicable Me.

Yeah, it’s true, I looked like Gru that day.

OK, so you can stop laughing at me now….

Advertisements

I Have a Personal Trainer Now

I was feeling so tired and sore I skipped working out today.  I actually came home and fell asleep a few minutes after I sat down on the couch.

I knew something had to be done about my laziness.  I know sometimes it’s good to just rest but I napped for 3 hours!

I needed that special motivation.  So I called my buddy back up to see if he could help out.  As usual he was spot on with his words of wisdom and motivation.  He is a bit pricy but I couldn’t pass up the chance to work with him.

Here’s how the conversation went:

mikes new trainer

I can’t wait to workout tomorrow!  I have a really good feeling about him…..

I Think I’m Engaged To A TSA Agent Now!

Howdy Ho Peeps!  So yesterday was Sunday, right?  I have completely lost track of days.  I know!  My wife has only been gone for 1 day and I have already fallen apart.  Go figure….. Just don’t tell her.

Anyway, as some of you may have read in my last post, my wife is now in UncleSamAStan for a whole year.  I always hate saying goodbye..especially when it’s to the Mrs.  And in a highly public place like the airport.  It’s bad enough I had my Robo Cop boot on hobbling around, she was also in uniform, which is always good for a few stares.

This will make her third deployment.  She just got home from her last one a few months ago.  I don’t think either one of us were truly ready for this one but it is one of those things that just isn’t controllable.   I don’t even think we were really reintegrated yet from her coming home 5 months ago either.  And to make things even more annoying, our 14th anniversary is tomorrow.  I would say this is one of the things you get used to happening when you’re a military spouse, all the missing of special days that is.

Enough of the sappy sobby crap…..I have a funny story to tell you!  Well, funny to me cause I was there and because it happened to me.  So on to the true and funny blog fodder.

The day is Sunday, early morning.  I laid in my bed eagerly awaiting for my phone alarm to completely wake me up.  This was an exciting and sad day.  Today was my first day back to work after gaining the official knowledge of my ankle being broken.  Oh yeah, and my wife was deploying.  The car was packed with her 20 duffel bags weighing about 70 pounds each filled with only “essential” items, of course.

We had plans to leave early enough to fit in a sit down breakfast somewhere before the trek out to the airport.  I had the idea of going to Ihop.  Why not keep her fat and happy while I can before she is subjected to the indigenous Peoples of Afghanistan that work in the DFAC (Dining Facility) spit in her food.  The Ihop experience was also going to count as our anniversary celebration (we don’t go out a lot, we are old and boring).

Breakfast was awesome and fattening!  Now on to the airport.  The 45 min drive was less than exciting.  It usually is.  The time was spent doing a mental check of the packing list of her bags.  All was there….we hoped.

Surprisingly, parking was super easy to find.  We had the spot right by the beginning of the cross walk to the terminal.  Jackpot!  Well at least for the cripple in me.  The gentleman I am dragged the heavier of the bags while I allowed the Mrs. to drag the light gun case in so she could say she had total control of it from receipt to delivery.  You know, don’t mess with TSA!

The baggage check-in was fairly short and the lady behind the counter seemed to have a head on her shoulders.  She was on the ball and helped as much as she could to speed up our process.  We then dragged the bags over to the big gorilla TSA agents to scan her bags.  We had to wait for a “special” check on her gun case.  I was waiting for the genius to say there was gunpowder residue on the case…….(que Final Jeopardy song)

We got the thumbs up and we headed to the nearest seats to kill some time before the Mrs. had to fight through the security lines.  We were sitting there for maybe 10 min and this customer service agent from Southwest Airlines came over to us.  She could tell the Mrs. was a bit teary and asked if she was coming or going.  I/she said she was on her way out for a year.  The lady asked to see my ID card and she would be right back.

That awesome lady gave me a “fake” ticket to walk my wife to her gate so I could spend as much time with her as I could!  You can cry now if you so choose.

I was like, crap, now I have to stick around longer?  I was hoping to drop and dash….I gots things to do!  Thanks for nothin lady..

No, not really!  I was grateful but not enough to remember the lady’s name.  That was pretty much the last thing on my mind.

So we proceeded to the priority security line….yeah, that’s how I roll.  Unfortunately that still led us to the same lines with the people who have 10 out-of-control kids.  Take your damn shoes off Joey!!!  I was about to throw the damn kid in the x-ray machine myself if he didn’t take those freakin shoes off!

OK, so here is the funny part of my story.  No pressure but feel free to laugh at your leisure.

So, the St. Louis airport makes you basically take all of your clothes off to go through security.  Which for me is not usually a problem.  But I happen to be going commando and I had on some super big waisted shorts only being held up by the belt that I now had to take off!

OK, so to explain the shorts…. I haven’t worn shorts out in public in years because of the grotesqueness of my legs.  And since my leg surgeries I have to wear those knee-high compression socks. Long black compression socks and shorts don’t go together.  So I haven’t had a need to buy new shorts in years except for the stuff I wear to workout in.  These specific shorts I happened to grab to wear this fine day were 40 inch waist and I now wear 36 waist.  Can you see where I’m goin with this yet????

I was like, ummmmmmmm, I’m not sure this is gonna work hun.  I wasn’t about to not go through though.  I’m sure I was at the point of no return in the security process to try and backtrack without looking like a terrorist.  So I pressed on.  Off with the boot…off with the shoe….and for the sneak peek exclusive viewing of a clip from the movie Magic Mike…….off with the belt!

Yeah, picture me standing there waiting in line with one hand holding my shorts up and the other holding my wallet and ticket.

St. Louis has those special see through your clothes machines now.  If you have not been through one of these…HA!  They not only get to see the outline of your body, they make you stand there like and idiot with BOTH hands held above your head!  Did I mention I had to use one hand to hold my shorts up?  Did I mention security makes you put BOTH hands above your head?  I think we are all on the same page now.

So I had to quickly figure out how the hell I was going to keep my shorts up while following procedure.  I looked at the TSA guy and said if I put both hands up, you probably won’t need the machine to see I am not hiding anything.  He kinda looked confused.  Then I leaned toward him and told him my predicament.  He said do my best but with BOTH hands in the air.  OK my brother!  Things are about to get real up in here…. One hand goes up.  I look back over at him.  No help there.  I try to tug my shorts up as high as possible and get in a ballet plie stance and quickly raise my other hand.  I said OK go!!!  5 seconds pass and my shorts start sliding…..10 seconds pass and they slide just a bit more.  20 seconds now and I’m reaching critical stage here……30 seconds now and I think they are just messin with me cause here comes some crack!  “OK sir you are good.  Now stand at the end of the carpet and wait.”  Whaa????

Yeah, they wanted to mess with Big Mike just a little more.  I had no idea what was going on.  Then it dawned on me….I was the lucky randomly selected individual to get the PAT DOWN!  So I walk to the end of the carpet and there stands this female TSA agent.  I was like hell yeah!  Can I get your number?  Then as I finished that thought the same dude from the body scanner came over and relived the girl so he could do the prostate exam.  This dude just won’t cut me a break!  I think he just wanted to see if what he saw on the scan was true 🙂

So he says to hold my arms out shoulder height.  I looked at him and said didn’t we just go over this situation back at the scan?  He was like, oh.  I said whatever and gave him a shoulder shrug.  I proceeded to say, well don’t be surprised if you see I am nuts over you when you are feeling my knee. 🙂  He then allowed me to hold the opposite side of my shorts that he wasn’t patting down to ensure he didn’t get poked in the eye on his way back up.  I swear he was purposely tugging down on my shorts to see if I was lying.  He also got really “frisky” with his pat down.  I didn’t mind.  That was the last action I was gonna see for a year!

Well, I survived my first scan and pat down from TSA.

The really odd thing though, when I got home, I found a guys name and phone number written on a piece of paper in my pocket.?.?

The Funnier Side in the Pursuit of Fitness

So here I am laying in bed drinking my protein shake after another intense workout. Wow, I love P90X!  I am sweating just typing out the name of the program.  These workouts can really kick my butt.  I just completed week 5 and have enjoyed most of my time.  Let’s just say the first full week I was letting Tony Horton know, through the TV, what I think about his workouts.  Good thing only my two dogs were around while I worked out then.  LOL!

All in all this entire program is the best thing I have ever done for myself, physically speaking.  I have been an athlete my whole life, and I use the term athlete loosely.  But I have been playing sports since the time I could demand such a thing from my parents.  I have played hockey, baseball, lacrosse, football, cycling, running, and now softball.  As I aged I noticed the contact sports have gone to the way side and the cycling, running and softball are more my speed now.  But how do I stay in shape enough to still be effective and enjoy these things at the same time?  Well, exercise  and I just figured that out a few years back.

It’s not just exercise but the stretching and alternative activities that keep the body ready for action.  Just a few years ago I realized that my old body couldn’t take the pounding it used to.  I tried out for a football team while I was in Japan.  The military base had a traveling adult league team that took in new players every year to fill positions.  I figured with my size and my prior experience I would be a shoe in.  Boy was that a mistake.  These guys were serious and they made me prove my worth by going up against their best guy at each position I wanted to play opposite of.  Let’s just say I had a few pieces of humble pie.

Realizing my new found limitations to a sport I once loved, I needed to figure something out.  I then found my new love in softball.  The military base also had a traveling softball team.  These guys were serious too but without all the hitting and tackling.  I found my new sport!  But I soon found out that regardless of the position I was to play I had to compete.  And to compete with a bunch of military guys that are required to be fit, I needed to be fit too.

I decided to toss my pride aside and try new techniques.  I talked a few other guys into trying Pilates with me.  This class was a total surprise.  I had no idea that something without weights could be so demanding.  I really liked it but it came with it’s embarrassing moments too.  Not that you all need to know this but I’m a sweater.  I sweat no matter what I do; sit, stand, run, walk, etc. and it doesn’t matter what season of the year it is either.  Well, these classes were in a small enclosed area in a gym that loved to have the heat on.

I guess since I shared that little piece and grossed you all out I can let you in on the funny and yet embarrassing thing that happened.  There is this one move in Pilates as well as yoga (which I now love too) called the plow pose.  In this pose you lay on your back and raise your legs over your body and attempt to place your feet by your head.  Well, my gut and lack of flexibility at the time didn’t allow me to get my legs very far over my body.  So the instructor came over to me and offered assistance.  I said it is not necessary as I felt this was as far as I could go anyway.  She insisted on pushing my legs further back to gain the flexibility a little at a time.  I gave in to her request.  I gave a quick warning of my slick sweaty body.  She laughed and said not to worry we all sweat.  To shorten this story, I ended up with an instructor falling on me as her hands slipped off my legs.  Embarrassing……but funny now that I look back at it.

So what is my point to all of this?  You should always take the good with the bad.  Life gives us the little experiences that enrich and amuse us.  We get to share these moments with other people in search of the same answer your quest has already brought you to.

Thanks for reading!