The Best Inventions No-One’s Invented Yet


I am dedicating this post to all of you in the world that have been overlooked by society too long!  The Lefties!  You have been scorned long enough.  There are not even any left handed superheros for you to look up to.  This is a disgrace!

Did you know that one of the coolest animals on the endangered species list is left handed?  Yup, the polar bear.  It’s natures way of slowly getting rid of the left handers.  Another sad statistic for you.  10% of all car thieves are left handed.  That means there is a 10% chance that your car was stolen by a polar bear.  You are so under represented.

I just want to point out some of societies blunders that are holding you back from your potential.

The cup

Look at these things!  It’s so blatant that there is no love for the left hander.  The coffee cups only have the handles on the right side.  How hard would it be to put another handle on there?  Seriously?  It would only be a little bit more clay.  And there are 3 of them in this picture.  It’s like getting flipped off 3 times in a row.  And those Solo cups.  Geez!  How about a slap in the face too with the right hand?  They didn’t even bother putting a handle on there.  It’s like the company is saying, “We know the left hander exists but we don’t care.”  How is a left hander supposed to know how to pick this cup up?  Come on!

Societal Habits in general

Imagine the center of your back is itching. Which hand do you scratch it with?

– That’s right, your right hand!

Interlock your fingers. Which thumb is uppermost?

– Again, it’s your right!

Imagine you are applauding. Start clapping your hands. Which hand is uppermost?

– Are you starting to see a pattern?

Wink at an imaginary friend straight in front of you. Which eye does the winking?

– The right!

Put your hands behind your back, one holding the other. Which hand is doing the holding?

– Do I have to say it?

Someone in front of you is shouting but you cannot hear the words. Cup your ear to hear better. Which ear do you cup?

– What’s that sonny?  I can’t hear ya…is that your right hand?

Count to three on your fingers, using the forefinger of the other hand. Which forefinger do you use?

– Ah 1…….2…. right hand.

Tilt your head over on to one shoulder. Which shoulder does it touch?

– I can’t see.  Ya tilting to the right, right?

Fixate on a small distant object with your eyes and point directly at it with your forefinger. Now close one eye. Now change eyes. Which eye was open when the fingertip remained in line with the small object? (When the other eye, the non-dominant one, is open and the dominant eye is closed, the finger will appear to move to one side of the object.)

– That’s just too hard.  You need a degree for that one.  Don’t even try it lefties…..

Writing

We, meaning society, have gone after the core of you since you were young.  Have you seen a crayon lately?  Try reading one from your left hand.  You can’t!  Those bastards at Crayola only write the color name in one direction.  Maybe that is why you never stayed in the lines.  You were always trying to read the color name upside down while coloring.  Sorry for all those years of special classes thinking you were behind in development.  It just turns out you just were being diligent in your color selection.  Oops!

Language

Now this goes way before my time.  So don’t expect any reparations from me on this one.  It just isn’t happening.

Language Word for Left Handed Meaning
Greek Skaios awkward
Italian Mancino crooked, maimed
spanish Zurdo reverse
French Gauche awkward, clumsy
Dutch Linkshandig To have two left hands
German Links, Kinkisch awkward
Norwegian Kjevhendt crooked-handed
Australia Mollie Dooker something to do with having fists like a girl
Latin Sinister on the left-hand side

I can’t make this stuff up.  This is real, folks.  Your own language makes fun of you.

Fighting the good fight

So this is me dedicating this article to the fight against society for you, left handers.  I will head to my drawing board to come up with some solutions to your problems.  I’m not left handed myself but I feel your pain (not really, I’m normal unlike you).  So I pledge my valuable time to fight for the cause.  Power to the Lefties! (said in a Braveheart manner with right fist raised in the air, I mean LEFT fist, left, I meant left, really)

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8 thoughts on “The Best Inventions No-One’s Invented Yet

  1. I am right handed however I am also considerably ambidextrous and many of those tests you gave I did with the left. My boys all started out left handed. Society, especially schools, PUSH you to be right handed. I don’t push ish. I let them find their own way with things. I encourage it. But, I am now adding Polar Bear to the Neighborhood Watch list. Thanks for that input!

  2. Well, polar bears mate March thru July. So that is when they tend to steal cars to go cruising for chicks. I guess that would be the best time to watch for them.

    I think I started out left handed too. But I was raised Catholic, So as you may know, the nuns were under strict orders to make us all right handed by beating us with rulers. 🙂

  3. interesting on the language stuff, if it makes you feel better Ned Flanders is left handed…I hope your’re a Simpsons fan or this was a fail on my behalf trying to be sort of funny.

  4. The left hand (whole left side of body) is connected to the right brain and it’s in the right brain that our creativity, imagination and appreciation for beauty resides. Interesting to note then that the left hand has been associated with sin or the devil (my friend told me how her dad used to get his left hand hit in school when he was a kid as he was left handed – had to beat the devil out of him I guess). The right brain is also associated with the feminine – so if the left side is associated with sin then the imagination and the feminine must be bad right? Food for thought. Great post!

  5. Very funny even though it is very true, loving the language bit! I feel you can tip the balance in the lefties favour…when you invent the ultimate back scratcha?! You can launch the lefties version first! I do my bit for the left handed folk of this world – I write right handed but eat left handed, set the dining table up as a left handed dinner party & also wear my watch as a left handed individual. Just call me ambidextrous!

  6. As a fellow righty, I think we need to do more for our left-handed counterparts. Rallies, signs, cutting off their left hands to make them one of us. The time is nigh. Let this post buy our doctrine of faith.

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