Seafood, Landfood & Airfood


Well, its that time of year where our TV is filled with those annoying commercials about fish.  Geez!  I despise this time of year.  Why?  For one, I can’t eat fish.  I’m allergic.  If I as much as touch a slimy creature from the deep, I would die!  Which makes 1/5 of my life ironic because I have lived in Alaska for 3 years, California for 2, and Japan for 3.  All were supposed to have some of the best fish and fish like items in the world.  But Mike those fish and fish like items are called seafood.  I know, I know.  But that is the second reason I don’t like this time of year.  Why is it called “Seafood?”  Did someone look into a body of water and say, “I hereby claim anything that comes from water is now dubbed Seafood!”  ……..and the crowd cheered!  Seriously, WTH?

Whatever!  I don’t see anything else being bundled into one general name on this planet.  We might as well call the cows, pigs, chicken, sheep, dog and cat Landfood.  Why not?  They probably won’t mind.  Or know.  I don’t see anyone going up to ole Bessy and whisper in her ear to tell her she is called Landfood and not just a cow anymore.  WTH is Bessy able to do about it?  Get a group of fellow cows from the pasture and protest?  I know they can organize and protest about eating of their own kind and throw another animal under the bus, like the chicken.  Chic-fil-A says so.  I saw it on TV.  It must be true.

Eh, screw it!  I hereby claim from this day on, all 4 legged animals that humans consume will be dubbed Landfood!  ……and the crowd cheered!

OK, well I can’t just turn my back on our foul friends then can I?  So look out ducks, look out pheasant and all you other finger licking good feathery friends.  I have now dubbed you Airfood!  So it is written, so it shall be done!  …….and the crowd cheered!  I kind of fell in love with the name for the category called Airfood.  It sounds light and healthy.  You know; no cholesterol, low cal and good for ya.  Almost along the lines of Angel food cake.  Just sounds so un-sinfull.  It must be good.

Alright, so I have that out of the way.  Lets talk a little more about individual names of these animals.  I think I should just pick on the fish cause they suck.  They still tick me off.  Damn things want to kill me.

So, there is a catfish.  WTH is that?  Why would two such animals ever be combined by name?  Cats hate water and fish just don’t know it but cats eat fish.  What a stupid name.  Did someone say, “Hey look at that fish’s claws!”  Oh but wait Mike, they have whiskers.  Oooo la de da!  I have a hairy body, does that make me a MonkeyHuman?  No!  It makes me look like Robin Williams but it doesn’t change my biological classification or name.

Other stupid names for fish:

Monk fish- Does it brew beer? Probably not.

Aholehole- This poor thing must have Turrets Syndrome.

Clown fish- Really?  Where is the big red nose?

The Crappie- Must be found in brown water.

Ghost fish- Do they really exist?

And lastly, maybe the handfish should meet up with the blowfish and they could live happily ever after.  Just sayin……

So I picked on the poor little fishies.  Boo Hoo!  Sorry Charley….  I do have a favorite of the underworld, the whale shark.  Have you seen this mo fo?  This thing is so cool it was given the name of the toughest beast in the water plus it is so large it was given the name for the largest mammal in the water.  Damn, it’s cool!  He is the dude on the block you just don’t mess with.  He doesn’t even need a posse to roll with him.

There is another perfectly named fish, the killer whale.  OK, its a mammal but look at this boss!  He just looks tough.  Those big patches that look like eyes and that snarly beak.  It’s as if he wants to fight.  He even carries a knife on his back just to warn you to STFA!  If you get in his way, he’ll cut you.  Another thing about him, he eats fat filled seals.  How cool is that.  He doesn’t even worry about heart disease or cholesterol.  I would say he is the Michael Myers or Jason of the sea.

Class dismissed!  Thank you for stopping by……

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